Recalculating

The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, Because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3

We bought a GPS for the first time about three years ago when we were headed down to the beach. It was a totally new thing for me. I was amazed that, not only would the GPS talk us through our journey, step-by-step, but we could actually choose which voice we wanted directing us. There were various male and female voices to choose from. Some with foreign accents, even. We tried a few of them out and unanimously settled on the soothing voice that we affectionately referred to as "Clara." We named her Clara because that's the name of the street we had to turn down to get to the beach house we'd rented for that week - Clara Avenue.

Clara was calm, cool, and collected. That was just her way. And she knew the routes we should take like the back of her virtual proverbial hand. Even when we made a wrong turn, she could tell us within seconds how far to go before the next turn to get us back on track. Before she would give us her new directions, she would calmly and assuredly announce that she was "recalulating" our route. No screaming, no freaking out, no name-calling. Just, "recalculating."

It's amazing how much trust we put in Clara. We'd never met her. We couldn't see her. We just had faith that her programmers knew what they were doing. We blindly followed her lead, no matter where she directed us to go. Sometimes, she would take us on routes that really didn't make any sense. Like taking us 60 miles out of the way or through a really, really bad neighborhood. That didn't happen often, but when it did, we'd just tough it out, having faith that Clara would eventually get us back on track.

Why is it so much easier for us to have faith in technology than to have faith in God? Why do we place more faith in the created rather than in the Creator?

We should trust God to guide us through life so much more than we trust the technology of a GPS to guide us from point A to point B. After all, God is more capable of handling the issues of our lives than we are. We just don't always give Him the opportunity.

Many times, I've made plans without praying them through only to find myself later asking God to help me out of the bad situation that I created for myself. He certainly is under no obligation to do so, but He is faithful, and He has helped me out more times than I care to admit. Oftentimes, He let me go through some pretty bad neighborhoods, but He stayed with me and, once I realized my need for Him, led me right back where I needed to be. I'm so thankful that He is patient with me.

I feel sure that, absent my self-made plans and hard-headedness along the way, I would have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache had I sought God's guidance in the beginning, before I embarked on my new plans. I would probably be a lot closer to the place where He wanted me to be to begin with.

All those little detours I've taken because I didn't consult with Him first cost me precious time. Time that could have been spent on bigger and better things. Things that God had planned for me to do all along. Things I just didn't bother to ask Him about.

But God is full of grace and mercy and He is fully capable of recalculating my route when I make a wrong turn. And sometimes, the place He takes me once I finally do trust in Him is far greater than anything I could have imagined. If I could just learn to trust in Him from the beginning, my life would be much more peaceful.

Peaceful. Just because I trust in Him. What an awesome promise that is.

Linking up with:

Blessings,

No Condemnation

Romans 8:1 - There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Today's the day. My oldest child graduates from high school tonight. I feel numb.

I feel like there are so many things that I took for granted while he was growing up. I didn't spend as much time with him as I should have. I didn't pray with him as much as I should have. I didn't do a lot of things that I should have. I find myself wishing for more time to do all those things I never did for my son when he was younger.

I feel ashamed of my selfishness. I feel guilty. My heart aches for my boys who grew up always separated by hundreds of miles from their dad. He is in the military, so visitation has always been rather difficult and infrequent, which is no fault of his own. Their childhood could have been happier. Instead, it was painful because, in addition to the fact that they couldn't be with their dad, I was distracted and preoccupied most of the time, searching for my own happiness. And it was my own selfishness in that pursuit that caused their pain. For a time, I couldn't see past my own desire for happiness enough to put them first. Not that I didn't love them. I did, always. But I took them for granted. I lived for myself and justified my actions by convincing myself and others that I would be a better mother if I could find happiness for myself. I was so lost and deceived.

What I didn't realize was, it wasn't happiness that would make me a better mother. It was God. And it was God who would fulfill that need that I was so desperately searching for.

The boys' dad and I divorced when they were young - they were four and two-and-a-half years old. I remarried first, and my new marriage wasn't without its problems. It was quite rocky and for a while, I questioned whether I had done the right thing. I guess deep down, I knew that I hadn't done the right thing, but I really wanted it to be the right thing. I had been counseled by therapists who merely validated my feelings and then prescribed anti-depressants to numb my emotions. Things just didn't seem to get any better.

One day, I called in sick because I was so depressed, I just couldn't get out of the house. I broke down sobbing that day and in my bedroom floor, I fell to my knees begging God to take the pain away. I begged for His forgiveness and pleaded with Him to just show me what He wanted me to do. I told Him that if I was supposed to go to my ex-husband and beg him to take me back, then that's what I would do. I just needed God to show me. I was exhausted from trying to figure it all out myself. Once I got it out of my system and felt a little release, I waited.

I don't remember exactly how long I waited, but it seems like it was about a week. I had been talking off and on with my ex-husband and told him I was thinking of bringing the boys to Charleston, where he was stationed at the time. I still wasn't sure what I needed to do, but that plan was on the radar. Shortly after this conversation with him, I learned that he had remarried and didn't bother to say anything to me about it.

So, that was that. Now what? Despite our problems, I knew that I loved my current husband, so I wasn't devastated. But I was still confused. I decided that, probably, God was trying to tell me something, but it didn't sink in right away. Sometime shortly after the news of my ex's remarriage, I became sick with what seemed like a stomach virus or food poisoning or a parasite of some description. Whatever it was, it was nasty, and it came out of nowhere. After a couple of days of it, on a hunch, I ran to the drug store and picked up a pregnancy test.

Yep. You guessed it. I was pregnant. And stunned.

If that wasn't a confirmation of what God wanted me to do, I don't know what was. As if my ex getting remarried wasn't enough. But, I guess in my mind at the time, it wasn't really. I'm sure God knew it would take more than that to get through to me. This pregnancy felt like God was saying to me: "What's done is done. You need to stay right where you are and trust Me from now on." It took my having another child to realize how precious children are and what a blessing it is to be a mother. God brought me to a place of utter dependence on Him and He knew exactly what it would take to change my heart. After so many of my mistakes and selfish decisions, He finally got my attention. He created me to be a mother, and it was in that role where he made known to me my deepest desires.

It still took me a long while to really appreciate the lessons that I learned in all this. My boys continued to suffer in that they were still and always would be children from a broken home, and with the birth of a baby sister, they were regrettably not given all the attention they needed. This breaks my heart. Also, when my daughter was about a year old, I decided what better time to go back to school and pursue my dream of becoming a lawyer. I was still searching. Thankfully, ours is a God of patience, and He saw me through a year-and-a-half of classes before He finally showed me that this wasn't His plan for me and my family. It was just another attempt by me to write my own destiny.

Gradually, as the kids have grown, God has revealed to me what He was trying to teach me all along. That marriage and children are gifts from Him, and they're a reflection of His love for us. He showed me that, since he blessed me with children, maybe He just wants me to be a mother. Not a student. Not a lawyer. Not anything besides a mother to these precious children. Raising my daughter along with my boys has given me a new perspective on God's love and forgiveness. Through all my mistakes, God carried me. That may sound corny, but it's true. Looking back, I can see that He was always there. He didn't leave me for one second.

Since that day of reckoning in my bedroom floor, I've seen my marriage restored and my family cared for beyond the scope of comprehension of my feeble little brain. Where my deepest desires were once to merely be happy, now, my deepest desires are to see my children walking with God and for my husband and I to be righteous examples of what it means to follow Jesus.

Knowing all this, it's so clear where all the condemnation surrounding my son's graduation is coming from. As my son graduates from high school and moves into the next chapter of his life, I will not embrace the guilt and shame of the past. Instead, I will, with a grateful heart, accept the abundance of God's grace and forgiveness, and, in faith, look forward to what great things He has in store for us.

Thank you, Lord, for your forgiveness. Thank you for your mercy. Thank you for your patience and love. Thank you, Lord, that in you, there is no condemnation. Amen.

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Blessings,

Staying in the Loop

Call to me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know. Jeremiah 33:3

Two years ago, I wrote several posts on this blog about things that I felt God had placed in my heart - namely, homeschooling and getting out of debt. I was extremely passionate about these goals and felt sure that God was leading me in that direction.

At the same time, I really wanted to get involved in the decorating blog scene, since I would literally spend hours pouring over blog after blog. This is evident as you scroll through my blog list. With my creative juices flowing and feeling bursts of inspiration, I made lame attempts at posts related to decorating. As much as I enjoy that kind of thing, I just never caught on enough to make it work. Decorating, it seemed, is not what God intended for this particular blog.

When I take a look at how much closer I am, after two years of supposedly working toward the aforementioned goals, I feel disappointed in myself and ashamed, to be perfectly honest. While I believe them to be legitimately things of God, the fact that I didn't dedicate my efforts to seeing them through left a big, huge void in my life. My interest in decorating caused me to spend money that should have been used toward getting out of debt - it was counter-productive to what I was trying to accomplish.

My efforts at getting out of debt have been weak, to say the least. I lack self discipline and I have not been seeking God's guidance the way I should. The willingness to sacrifice in order to see my dreams come true just hasn't been there. Those other interests, even though they aren't inherently bad, have simply taken precedence in my life over the most important thing of all. The presence of God. I've prayed about it, but I'm thinking that until I'm willing to listen and obey, God just isn't going to bless my half-hearted efforts.

We can't serve two masters at the same time. I believe that to be my answer. I just can't serve God and Pottery Barn at the same time. Pottery Barn and blogs I enjoy aren't evil by any means, but they stir a spirit of covetousness in me, and that is where the problem lies. So much to the point that it could very well be called idolatry.

It's taken way too long for this Truth to sink in. I guess it came at the right time, though, when I'm bound and determined to align my priorities with God's will. One step at a time. It's good to have varied interests, and I still enjoy the blogs I follow, but now I know that I need to work them into my priorities where they won't drown out what's most important.

What about you? Do you have a hobby or interest that may unintentionally take precedence over God's presence in your life? It's so easy for that covetousness and idolatry to sneak in without even realizing it. Take my advice, ask God to reveal it to you and nip it in the bud before the years slip by and you miss out on His best for you. You'll be glad you did!

Lord, thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for answering my prayers when I call on you and for showing me great and mighty things. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Blessings,

Is This What It's All About?

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then, I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. Philippians 2:14-16 (NIV)

Ever struggle with purpose?

I do. I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into a rut that is eight years in the making. Each weekday morning, I wake up at 6:00 a.m., press the snooze button on my phone approximately five times before getting up to make coffee, shower, and proceed with my daily routine of getting the kids up and out the door for school. All this while getting myself ready for work. After work, I come home too drained to be functional in any capacity worthy to be deemed "motherhood."

While I know it was a God-send at the time they hired me, and I know I should be thankful for having a job when so many people don't (and I am, I really am), my job is so completely unfulfilling to me that I find it a daily struggle to focus on the actual work that I do. I leave work most days feeling emotionally drained from the struggle to focus on why I'm there. I leave knowing my employer deserves more from me.

It isn't a "dirty job" as Mike Rowe would define it. And it isn't physically demanding. It's actually a relatively cushy job. I work with great people who have been good to me over the years. I earn a good salary and have great benefits.

But I ask myself every. single. day. Is this what it's all about? Is this all there is? If I'm consistent in anything, it's in grumbling and complaining about my job on a daily basis.

So, what is it about my job that causes me to complain? I've discovered that it isn't my job at all. Not really.

As I sit behind my desk at work each day, my mind wanders to my family - my husband and my kids. I think about what they might be doing or how much longer until the kids will be home from school. Wishing I was there to greet them at the door with homemade cookies and a big hug. Wishing I could hear all about their day while making their dinner. I think about the troubles they have and wish I could be there with them more to really listen to them. Wishing I wasn't so impatient with them when I am with them.

Or, I wish I were able to sit down with my Bible and study at a time each day when I'm most likely to retain what I read. Instead, I either try to cram it in while eating during my lunch hour or I do battle with my eyelids at night. Sadly, more often than not, I simply opt out.

Or, I think about the many projects on my list that I could be working on, if only I were home. Projects that I begin with enthusiasm, but never seem to finish because I run out of steam and motivation while waiting for a good time to work on them in between mothering and working.

I also think about this blog. Thinking it would be nice to have the time to devote to it. I think of it often. I love to write. And I have a lot that I could write about. I'm sure someone out there deals with the same issues I do. And I know there are hundreds of folks with the same interests because I read the blogs. What, I wonder, am I supposed to do with this blog? Should I just consider it a nice thought, in theory, but just not realistic?

I think about a lot of things while I'm at my job. Just not my job. While these things are not bad things, thinking about them at work causes me to be a less than diligent employee. Something that leaves me feeling guilty, which tells me this isn't something God is doing.

I know that God gave me all these things in my life that I love and enjoy. He also gave me a job that I wasn't qualified for at a time in my life when I needed to have an income. And I needed to be surrounded by caring, Christian people. He provided what I needed, when I needed it.

Why do I struggle so much with focusing on my job? Why do I complain? Because I've let my own desires overshadow God's blessings and distort the Truth. I believe all the things my mind drifts to while I'm at work are good, God-given desires. But, I think there are things He needs to teach me before I'm able to receive them. I believe He's teaching me self-discipline and at the same time, He's revealing the gifts He's equipped me with. In exercising the one, I believe I will receive the other.

I've learned a little something about life in the last decade. The things that bring joy in life are gifts from a loving God. Our gifts fulfill a yearning in our spirits and our individual gifts and talents come easy to us. I don't believe that God gifted us with interests and abilities to merely use them whenever we can squeeze them in. I believe the secret to finding purpose lies in realizing our gifts and utilizing them in a way that edifies - not only ourselves, but others, as well - and in a way that brings glory to God. Once we realize His purpose in our lives, we need to receive it and continually seek His grace in fulfilling it.

I have so much more to offer my family than what I'm giving them. They deserve the best I have to offer. And the best I have to offer is not merely the weekends and a paycheck. I don't believe this is the way God intended it to be. But this is where I am right now. I've been very slow at learning the lessons He's been trying to teach me for so many years. Lessons about family, money, gifts, and faith.

Needless to say, I'm listening a little closer for that still small voice these days. The One I know would never steer me wrong.

Heavenly Father, I pray that You will grant me the grace to fulfill the purpose which you intended for me. Help me to balance the responsibilities of family and work that You have set before me and to do so with diligence and integrity. Help me to always work as if unto You without grumbling or complaining. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Linking to:

Blessings,

A Dream and A Prayer

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream about a girl I graduated high school with. I was never close to this girl at all, really. I was in the band (band geek) and she was the "feature twirler." Pretty and popular. We were worlds apart. I've seen her from a distance around town here and there, but haven't spoken a word to her since high school. Even then, I can't recall a single conversation I ever had with her.

Point is, this dream came right out of the blue. I've seen her face pop up on my Facebook friend suggestion page, but, since I recently decided not to add anymore people I don't normally associate with to my list of friends, I chose not to send her a request.

Then, night before last, I dreamed about her. She was crying. I didn't know what the circumstances were, but she was worried about her two boys. She would cry and then she would smile, like she was trying to be strong and not show her pain. I woke the following morning thinking that I really needed to send her that friend request, just to connect with her and to tell her that I was praying for her.

I did that this morning. I looked on her profile tonight (which was private until she added me as a friend) and was surprised to find out that she does have two boys and from the posts I read, she is sick and undergoing some kind of treatment. The details were sketchy, but she did mention that she had recently purchased a wig, but her hair hasn't fallen out yet. I can only assume it's cancer.

That just goes to show how anytime someone from our past comes to mind, it may very well be God's way of nudging us into prayer for that person. I will continue to pray for my "friend" even though we remain practically strangers. I feel honored that God chose me to lift her up in prayer.

Crowned

This past Friday night, I went with several girls from our youth group at church to an event called "Crowned."  A young man named Matt Pitt spoke to the girls about purity and conducting themselves as the princesses they are - as daughters of the King of Kings.  He stressed, in his own energetic and comical way, how valuable we are in God's eyes. Something we all need to hear from time to time, no matter how old or young we are. It was a powerful service. I don't think there was a dry eye in the house.

Here are our girls as we were waiting to get into the auditorium. Aren't they beautiful? 

The photo above was taken during a drama they were performing during the service (sorry for the poor photo quality). I wish I had a video to show you.  It was awesome!

And here are the girls with Matt after the service.

Oops, we left out Kyla....

See why the kids love him! 

What amazes me is the tremendous gift Matt Pitt has been given to reach our youth.  He went through a period of his young life with drug and alcohol problems.  His parents found out he had a problem when they visited him in college. They promptly took him home to get help.  Then, one night in their basement, after his parents had come to the conclusion that there wasn't much more they could do to help him, his dad sat him down and gave him an ultimatum.  That very night, in the basement, Matt was led to the Lord by his father.

After that night, Matt began inviting friends to his house, to the basement, so they, too, could experience God the way he had. What began with about four people gathering in his basement worshiping together turned into a huge gathering of hundreds, if not thousands, of youth, moving from church to church to accommodate the growing numbers.

Now, this group meets at The Church of the Highlands in Birmingham, Alabama. The event is known simply as "The Basement." 

Lives are being changed. Droves of kids are being led to Christ and it's all because God has used the life of this one young man. God led Matt from a life of hopeless addiction to a life of ministry. Truly amazing.
 
We should never under estimate our trials because who knows what wonderful things God has planned as a result.

For more information on this wonderful ministry, you can visit their website here.  I've not been to a regular service before, but I plan to go with my kids over the summer. Maybe I'll see you there!

Blessings,

Divorce is NOT an Option

Obviously, it’s been a while since I posted. There’s been a lot going on. Life is crazy and I feel very dry…but I’m going to post anyway.

We’ve had some issues going on in our immediate family that have left me and my husband emotionally drained. I won’t go into details, but I will say emphatically, it just isn’t easy being a blended family and don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise! For anyone who may be contemplating divorce, I would suggest that you rethink that decision again and again and again and pray like crazy until you can wholeheartedly say, “divorce is NOT an option.”

The children of divorced families suffer immeasurably over the loss of their original family, regardless of how young they are at the time of the divorce. Not that good things can’t come out of bad situations – my husband and I have been very blessed in our re-marriage, and the credit for that goes to God alone. I’m just saying that while you’re there at that fork in the road, feeling like you just can’t take it anymore – consider the blessings that lie on the other side of perseverance. You were led to this place for a reason. No one ever said life or marriage would be a piece of cake. God allows trials in our lives, and yes, in our marriage, to make us stronger, but if we throw in the towel just short of realizing that strength, we forfeit the blessings that go along with it. However you think your life will improve by divorcing your current spouse, your blessings will be even greater if you stay for the long haul and work through your issues.

After divorce, we may get on with our lives and find happiness in another relationship, but our children continue to live in the rubble that our selfishness created. The sooner we accept that and become proactive in making a healthy marriage a priority, the better off we'll be. The better off our children will be.  And, at the risk of sounding radical, the better off our nation will be as a whole. Whatever idiosyncrasies your spouse has that drive you nuts – that’s nothing compared to the heartache that your children will bear for the rest of their lives if you choose to end your marriage. 

I know from experience that placing Christ at the center of your marriage is the key.  No two self-centered human beings are infallible in their own strength.  We stumble. We fall into temptation. We fail. Invite God into your marriage and witness for yourself the changes that will take place. It's amazing to watch as problems that once left your marriage paralyzed with anger and bitterness simply disperse into a fine mist - leaving behind something absolutely breath-taking - a love for your spouse like you've never known before. God will do that for you, if you'll only ask Him to.

That’s my two cents for the day.

Blessings,

Christa

Epiphany

Isaiah 30:21: Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

I had an epiphany this morning. I'll get to that in a minute, but first, a little background.

Ten years ago, God led me to the job at which I work now. I know it was God leading me because at the time, I had no skills to speak of, and, had this job not just fallen into my lap the way it did, I never would have dreamed of applying for such a position. I’m not trying to beat myself up, but I knew  that I was highly under qualified. Nevertheless, in His usual, amazing way, God gave me the opportunity right out of nowhere – and I didn’t even ask for it! He led me through all my fear and insecurity to get me to a point where I could earn a decent living (it still baffles me to this day!). Then, when interest in my job began to wane, He led me through several years of selfish and unrealistic goals that I'd set for myself, and showed me ever so gently how desperately I need His guidance. He showed me what’s really important in life. He was always there with me and for most of that time, I didn’t even realize it.

I’ve been unsatisfied and discontented at my job for so long now, I find myself continually looking for something better. I went back to college for a while, thinking I wanted to become a paralegal, and ultimately, a lawyer (a dream I'd had since jr. high school). I really felt driven to "be" somebody. I became discouraged with school, though, because it wasn’t progressing as quickly as I wanted, and I was losing interest. Not to mention the issues at home…parenting four kids, being a wife, and full-time employee just didn’t mesh well with going to class until 10:00 at night. I just couldn't seem to make it work.

Somewhere in the midst of paralegal classes, I decided that I might give nursing a try. So, reminiscent of my earlier college days when I was fresh out of high school, I switched gears mid-stream and started taking nursing courses. Let’s just say that biology is not my “thang.” Neither is blood. Or any other bodily fluid. What was I thinking??

I’ve spent years making foolish decisions like this because I didn’t bother to seek guidance from God. I never prayed about any of these brilliant notions. I just followed what I thought at the time were good instincts. Or, in the case of becoming a lawyer, I thought I was following my heart.

More recently, I’ve been thinking of taking online courses in web design. It’s something I’m interested in and it would allow me to be creative – something my current job totally lacks. If I have to work, I figured I should at least enjoy what I'm doing. But when I thought of the extra expense we’d be taking on for another endeavor like that, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Not with my track record. This time, I prayed. And I chalked that bad feeling up to the Lord’s leading me in another direction. I didn’t need to go that route again.

So, this morning, I got to thinking. I began to look at what has remained constant in my life since I started working ten years ago – my marriage, my family, my job, and the desire to homeschool.  I’ve wanted to homeschool my kids for about two and a half years now, with no real deviation from that desire. I’d try to suppress it from time to time, wondering if that, too, wasn’t just another crazy idea I’d concocted out of discontentment with my job. The desire would always come back, though. And usually stronger than before.

Sounds like continuity to me. Maybe this is what I should focus on.

Instead of going deeper into debt for more education (that I may or may not even finish - again), I should redirect my focus on getting out of debt so that I can homeschool!  It's so clear to me now!! I was blessed with a great job. One that I would never have landed in my own efforts. I need to use those God-given provisions to pay off the debt that is hindering me from making homeschool a reality. I’ve had the resources to make it happen all this time, but I’ve failed to see God’s wonderful provision through all my doubt and discouragement.

Thank you God, for showing me the way! You truly are the Great Provider!

The Voice

Here is something I wrote earlier this year during a particularly rough period with my son...

My younger son is 13. A vulnerable age – wedged snugly between boyhood and manhood. I can only imagine that’s a very confusing place to be. He’s a thinker – very insightful. Over the course of the past several months, he's expressed serious questions about life, about himself, and about God. He told me recently, in no uncertain terms, that he didn’t believe in God. As hard that was for me to hear, I believe he is genuinely looking for answers to his questions. He wants tangible proof that God exists.

After he dropped the bomb of disbelief on me that night, we read scripture together. Whether he was open to believe God’s Word or not, I knew that was the only place to find answers to his questions. We read and we talked. We talked about finding our worth in God and not in what the world thinks we should be. We talked about finding purpose in life through all the disappointments and obstacles we face. We also talked about spiritual gifts - how we find our unique gift and use it to glorify God. We talked about several things that night, but most important, I think, was our talk about how we should not allow Satan to steal our joy by listening to his lies, because Satan knows our weaknesses and he preys on those weaknesses in order to bring us to the point of despair – to the point of losing hope, and ultimately, losing our faith. This, I feared, is the point my son had reached.

Surprisingly, on the Sunday morning following that talk, my son wanted to sit with me at church. He usually sits with his friends from the youth group in the front pews, but for whatever reason, my confused baby boy chose to sit with me that day, and I was honored. I hadn’t expected my husband to come to church that day. He has doubts and questions of his own, and going to church with us has been a struggle for him. But lo and behold, he came! He was late, but he came! As I sat there between my husband and my troubled son, I thanked God for His goodness and His grace.

The chatter in the sanctuary quieted down as the pastor opened the service with prayer. I cried as he prayed, struggling to focus on the words of his prayer through my tears. I didn’t know for sure if it was hormones causing my tears or if I was truly moved by the Holy Spirit. Not to take away from the moving of the Spirit, but I cry a lot. My crying in church is no rare occasion. In fact, it’s pretty much a sure thing – like death and taxes. On this day, though, I wasn’t just crying, as a general term. I was weeping. The tears were coming from deep within me; my soul ached for a healing touch from the Lord. I have felt an aching spirit before, but today, the ache seemed stronger than ever. In addition to the struggles with my son and our other three children, my husband and I had battled various issues throughout our marriage of eight years, and the battle seemed endless. I wanted peace. I wanted unity. I needed to hear from God. Our family desperately needed healing and God was the only One who could provide it.

The choir began to sing and the congregation gradually joined in. The praise and worship was more powerful that day than it had felt in a long time, at least for me. As I stood there listening to the music, I felt like singing, but all I could do was bow my head, close my eyes, and let the words and music penetrate to the core of me. My tears spilled out onto my hands as I grasped the pew in front of me. I felt detached somehow. Like a scene in a movie where a person is unconscious and can hear those around him, but is unable to respond.

I prayed. I don’t know exactly what I prayed for, but I prayed. My mind seemed to race. There was so much in my life that needed God’s touch; I didn’t even know where to begin. My mind scrambled for something to say. “Please Lord, please just help us! Bring what we need! Help my son - open his fragile heart and help him see you Lord, protect him from Satan’s lies! Strengthen my marriage…please, Lord!” I went on and on, rambling requests to God about nothing in particular, but everything in general. Then, through my mind’s voice and my heart’s cries, I heard it. The words were so clear that I actually looked over to my left where my son stood because that’s where it seemed to come from. The voice was distinctly different from that of my mind. This voice was gentle and soothing. I clearly heard the words.

"It will be ok."

Was that Him? I’d always heard people talk about hearing the Lord telling them this or that. How does that sound? How do you know it's really Him?

Feeling a bit confused, I took a deep breath and my tears began to subside. I felt a rush of peace and contentment come over me as I looked up through moist, foggy eyes. My racing thoughts slowed as I recalled the words I had just heard. “It will be ok.” Not exactly earth-shattering, and a little more vague than I would have thought, but comforting nonetheless.

The worship music sounded so sweet; I began to sing. The desperation and grief I had felt a moment ago was completely gone. The Spirit of the Lord was there, and he was standing right beside me – between me and my troubled son! He spoke to me. He heard the cries of my heart and He spoke to me!

Shortly after that precious moment, we sat down and my son leaned over to rest his head on my shoulder. This is a boy who typically pulls away at the slightest indication that I might touch him. I was surprised at first, and thought that perhaps he was merely tired and wanted a place to rest his sleepy head. Even if that was the case, it was fine with me. I began to cry again, only this time it was tears of joy. Tears of thanksgiving. I leaned my head over to rest on his and we sat there together, listening to the music fade as the pastor began his sermon. I sat very still, trying to stifle my sobs of joy for fear that he would lift his head from my shoulder. I reveled in the closeness I felt with him at that moment.

Eventually, he did move his head and sat up in the pew. I wondered if he was listening to the sermon. He was fidgety, as usual. Examining his fingernails. Squirming. My initial instinct was to nudge him with my elbow and tell him to be still and listen. Then I remembered the voice I’d heard moments earlier. “It will be ok.” Trusting in my Assurance, I returned my attention to the sermon. Something the pastor said at that point really hit home. He spoke of the lies Satan tells us, with the intention to steal our joy and to discourage us. To distract us from the One who gives us joy. I leaned over to my son and whispered in his ear, “do you remember our talk about this the other night?” “Yes,” he answered. He was listening. Thank you, God, he was listening!

After the service concluded, there was a rare smile on my son’s face. I don’t know if he was able to comprehend all that happened that day, but I was happy to see that smile. The Lord worked in our lives during that service. God heard my cries, He knew my pain and that of my son. He was there that day with His arms around us, and He assured me “it will be ok.” Perhaps I felt more from the Lord that day than my son did, but I know what I heard. I know why I heard it. On this day, I’d heard the voice of the Lord assure me, “it will be ok.”

“I trust you, Lord,” I said, with my arm around my son. “I trust you to give him what he needs.”

Blessings,

Christa